Originally posted August 30, 2009 from Bundaberg, Australia:
GAMP!
I am writing this next post more for therapeutic purposes then for my usual entertain. The following is pretty gross and mildly disturbing (but no less true), so I dont recommend everyone read it. Grandma please dont read this, it is gross. Any cousins I have that are under 15 and are following along, thanks for doing so, but please give this one a skip. Maddie (my cat) please do not give into your usual curious instincts but instead resume whatever it is you do for a living. Honestly, nothing really happened to me, so if you dont read this you are not missing anything.
[Grandma, I put a circle where it is save for you to start reading again.]
OK, so to get from Airlie Beach to Bundaberg, I had to take an overnight bus. The bus left Airlie Beach at 5:25 pm and was expected to get into Bundaberg at 3:30 am. All was fine, I got to the bus OK, there were no issues getting on, everyone who wanted to was able to find a seat in empty row, so they had two seats to themselves. I even ended up sitting across the row from a pretty French girl who recognized me from Cairns.
"Do you play Volleyball?"
"Why, yes I do."
"Yes, I saw you in Cairnes."
"I bet you did!" (Damn, thats what I should have said!"
As you can see, things were good.
But about an hour into the ride, I noticed a very foul smell coming from the person in front of me. It was actually very, very foul. It smelt like he was wearing his socks and then eating them or eating some kind of wet cat food. It was rank and I think made my hair one shade lighter.
Luckily, it only came in small powerful bursts. Fine. I can handle that.
About an hour or so later, I noticed him picking his nose and then balling up his little treasure. I didnt see their final destination . . . the bottom of the seat, his mouth, his eye. I dont know and I dont care as long as it wasnt me. Its fine, its gross and weird but I can handle that.
About two hours later, it got really weird. As I was watching 'Cadillac Man,' the movie they put on on the bus, I noticed him watching something. He was watching this movie on his camera, that I presume he took, of some guy dancing around. Now normally, I wouldnt have thought anything of it, it just looked like some drunken tape he took of him and his buddies, which he evidently he missed. But he kept glancing back at me while watching it. What is going on? I just pretended that I didnt notice him glancing back and just kept watching the group movie.
. .
. .
But, he kept glancing back so much, that is was obvious he was doing something that he felt was wrong. And I was able to see that the guy on the camera now had his shirt off. The 'short clips' that I saw didnt go where you are thinking it is going, but the volume of footage of this person that he had and the way in which he was watching it made it uber creepy. He had enough footage to continuously watch videos of this person through 'Cadillac Man' and then for a while there after.
I am now beginning to get concerned. It is pretty late and I am tired and I want to go to sleep but I am too scared at this point. I am afraid that this creepy dude might try to take a video of me or touch me while Im sleeping or something that I cant let happen. So I dont sleep. I keep fading in out. I just keep trying to keep tabs on what he is doing, without looking at him long enough to give him reason to look at me.
. .
. .
At about 2 am, I noticed that he had stopped watching his video and stopped glancing at me. He was now looking at the French girl across the row fom me. She had turned her reading light on at some point during the trip, and then apparently fell asleep under it. So when the lights went down on the bus she was clearly illuminated laying against the window.
His glancing at her was obvious; she was over his shoulder so you could easily see his head swivel back and forth with each glance.
Now, what he is doing in the seat in front of me during this is unclear. I dont see his hands or anything tangible that I could describe to you that led me to my conclusion, except his timid learing, but I know something is up and I am NOT fine with it.
Sleeping is no longer an option. Survival is now the goal. My only option it to now just sit and watch this guy watch this girl and only hope that I stay awake long enough to prevent anything too weird from happening beyond what I already suspect.
I liked this guy better when he was holding his camera.
. .
Dont Sleep!
. .
Dont Sleep!
. .
(eyes closing)
Dont Sleep!
. .
Then out of the blue, the French girl wakes up, quickly pulls her jacket over herself, and now turns away so that she is no long facing him. During this, he whips his head around and throws himself so that he is face down on his row of chairs. Now, I didnt see her see him, but both of these evidents happened at the exact same moment, and they both moved with such speed and purpose that what happened was clear.
I am initially disgusted, but eventually relieved, because as long as he stayed like this I think potential for encountering any type of UFO has been decreased to threat level blue.
I know he must have been embarrassed because he remained on his stomach for the rest of the trip or at least till he got off (no pun intended).
. .
This was good but bad, because he got off at my stop!
As we were pulling into Bundaberg, my stop, and the driver announced we were almost there, I started to get my stuff together. He does so, too.
Are you kidding me? What have I done to deserve this? This guy could only have been a worse bus companion if he jumped into my seat and then tried to give me a high five after his solo adventure. And then pulled a parrot and a baby out of his bag.
Why me?
I say goodbye to the French girl, acting as if I knew nothing and get off the bus.
The driver hands me my bag. I asked where a certain hostel was. I didnt have anything booked at this point, but I had heard this hostel was good so I asked about it. The driver starts to give me the directions, but someone interrupts from behind me,
"It's OK, I am going there, too. You can follow me!" NO, IT CANT BE!
I turn around and I am now looking directly at the certain individual, except now there is no chair separating us. OMG Please Dont Touch Me!
I am stunned. And when did you put on sweatpants?
He takes my lack of saying anything as acceptance and marches on. I hesitate. God please dont let the French girl see me walk away with this person. But I really did need to find a place to stay and I Swedish fellow also said he needed to get there too, so I count myself temporarily safe and followed. But I made sure to leave a healthy margin between me and the geographically ambiguous masturbater.
Withing a couple of meters of leaving the station with Pee Wee Herman and the Swede, I saw a different hostel then the one we were heading to.
"Guys, Im just going to check this hostel. I dont want to have to carry my bags any further then I need to." Or get slimed!
"No problem, we will watch your bag." said the GAMP (a geographically ambiguous masturbating person). I look at the Swede. Do not let this person touch my bag or your person. No response.
I go up to the hostel doors. No lights on. Reception is closed. And noone is about to sneak me in. SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I return to the guys.
"Guys its closed, but I am going to just hang out in front of this hostel till it opens in the morning."
The GAMP replies: "No dont be silly, I know someone at (the other hostel). She'll let us in and we can all crash in the TV room tonight together."
There is no way I am sleeping anywhere near this guy, let alone on an open floor. . . . even with Sweden between us. I open my mouth to politely refuse, when this drunk German girl comes out of no where.
"Hey, where are you all headed?" She said. Easily, identifying us as foreign newcomers, by our backpacks and the confused expression on the three of our faces. One face even looked like it had tears in its eyes.
The Swede tells her the hostel name.
"Yeah thats where Im staying too. I dont know how you are going to get into your room because reception is closed, but there are two empty beds in my room you can sneak into."
I make sure to say Thanks first to claim my stake in one of them, and pat the Swede on the back to claim his. The German girl begins to think through her offer:
"Its in an all girl dorm though. . ."
"haha, Dont worry! We dont mind!"
. . . So, I was pretty much saved from the GAMP and his sticky fingers by this drunk German girl. I was beyond relieved. This German girl made up for the two the other night and their tequila.
And that is how the story pretty much ended. I was able to secure one bed and the Swede the other without incident. And I was able to say goodbye to the GAMP without a handshake or even so much as a second look.
In the morning, I left without reception protesting and checked into a hostel on the other side of Bundaberg.
And since, I have been spending the last two in this tiny town wandering the streets trying not to bump into a certain individual. So far I have been successful.
But the whole irony of the situation is, the thing that brought me into this warped situation is going to be the same one to get me out of it: Another night bus!
O [Welcome back Grandma!]
And that's why I dont collect PEZ dispensers anymore!